For once

What would happen, then, if I asked you to marry me tomorrow? If I said that I had lived long enough without you and had suffered enough without you and had grown tired of it? What if I told you I didn’t want to feel discouraged anymore? That I wanted something stable and offhandedly eager? Something that I never had to argue for? What would you do? I’d put my money on running, though I’d hope for something more favorable to me. I wish that you would favor me. For once.

Why is it that you can envision a world where no soul suffers but you can’t imagine a life with me? Aren’t I a soul that suffers? That feels pain and death repeated, over and over again, at words that go unspoken? You’ve slain me a thousand times.

Dismissal is so easy. That’s it! That’s why she does it, because it’s easier than holding on for dear life, for being the last one to keep pace, fingers tight and aching as she claws her way into the light. I can’t not fight for it if I believe it, that would be unfair. But the factors that contribute go beyond ergs and effort. They include pasts and futures, all plain and forgone conclusions. Easy, remember?

But I’ve never been the easy choice, though my name is a simple one. And you’ve never been able to trust that I’m not too good to be true. Shame on you for that- there is no other shoe. There is nothing but a woman with holes in her socks and a disdain for dishonesty, and she’d tell you all about it if you’d ask. She would tell you stories and she would tiptoe around the house so as not to wake you.